just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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