his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
