If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
