peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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