I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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