Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
