I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
