it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
