whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
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We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
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You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
There are leaves in my underwear?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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