I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
