I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
