How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
