That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
