Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
