Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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