had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
