I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
