She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
