I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Come on in and take your pants off
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