A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
