Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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