I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
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I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
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What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later