There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
