So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You made out with two different species that night
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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