ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
