The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
