Apparently you make a good broom.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
