Little spoons don't ask big questions
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
