Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
