He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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