the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
