the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
