I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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