I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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