Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
