put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
