I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
