the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
