I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
