Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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