I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
