All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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