Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize