Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
