dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Two words: blizzard sex
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
