I just cut my nipple shaving
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
