I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
