Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize