gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
