question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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