So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
