After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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