My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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