Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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