Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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