The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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