My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do vagina's smell?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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